Insomnia

It's 4:08 a.m. and I'm awake watching Doctor 90210 on my Netflix. I'm bored. My head is full of so many thoughts that won't let me fall asleep. I got word yesterday thru e-mail that I didn't get the temp position I tested for earlier this week. I am honestly not upset about it. I didn't want a temp customer service job anyway. I am still very hopeful of getting the paralegal job in Tallahassee. I have my fingers crossed for it.

I was in Tally the majority of the week and I wish I could have done more and visited more friends, but it is hard to do all of that when everyone is working/school. I was in Tallahassee longer than just an overnight stay b/c I had two job interviews. One was a Paralegal position with Dept of Legal Affairs and a Call Center job with Florida Dept of Law Enforcement. I have no shot at the FDLE position b/c the job is contingent of me having good credit and that I do not have, since I have been out of work for over a year now. Being that one interview was on Tuesday and the other was on Thursday I ended up bringing my dog with me, since he never does well when I leave for the weekend. He enjoyed himself with his cousin Roxy (Ashley and Pam's dog.)

The ex wanted to go out to dinner with me at Crystal River (really he just wanted to go have a sit down dinner anywhere with me) then changed his mind and asked that me and Pugsley come over so that he could spend time with him.  Pugsley seemed to really enjoy his visit with his dad. It made me miss "us." I hate going to sleep alone every night and not having the security of a stable relationship. That is something I won't admit out loud to most friends b/c I seemed so unhappy in my relationship. I only seemed so unhappy b/c I vented a lot and we all know how that goes with most female friends who are single or running thru men like toilet paper.

I am sitting here now thinking about working out in the morning, or at some point during today. Also thinking about life and hoping a job will come soon. I am so over being jobless. Well... I am finally getting tired and going to try sleeping again.

Wow, just wow...lol

So...apparently it has been three years since I last posted in this blog. A lot has happened in 3 yrs. I just recently celebrated my 30th birthday. How do I feel about it, you ask? I really want to just find a corner and ball my eyes out b/c I feel like a complete failure at life. I lost my job last year two days before my birthday, so I celebrate another day of birth being jobless. Awesome!! Not.

Me and my "ex" ended up kinda getting back together during his two years of unemployment. Only to have him dump me after being at his new job two months, b/c he had apparently found my replacement who was helping him to become a "real man". That new relationship didn't last long. By being dumped in that way... did I finally realize I did, and still do, actually truly love the guy. Were we good for each other? Not all the time. I can honestly say I got really bitter and angry with him b/c I was under so much stress and instead of finding a stable positive outlet to keep me balanced, I was instead hyper-focused on him and the stuff I disliked. Shit happens. It's life.

I have been job hunting like crazy and I may get some random interviews but no true job offers. I lost my apartment I lived in alone. Oh yeah, when he broke my heart I moved out. LoL, I didn't move far though. I could literally walk to his apartment in under 2 mins. Sad. Yes, I already know, you don't have to tell me.
So anyways...back to this fruitless job hunting. I can't even explain all the pains of stress that has been eating away at me this past year. Losing my job put me back on the edge of depression and insanity! It felt like things would workout after having won my appeal when I was denied unemployment at first. I thought "Thank God, at least there will be some form of income coming in until I find a job. It shouldn't take too long to find a decent job." I was harshly smacked with the reality of the declining economy and the already less than lucrative job market in Tallahassee.

Then slowly...one by one the luxuries that are necessities in todays society slowly started getting turned off/disconnected, b/c unemployment barely paid to keep a roof over my head and power on. Some nights I really did contemplate going out on the corner like the student prostitutes who frequented around my apartment complex. I tried really hard getting the tattoo stuff off the ground, but I got tired of potential clients having me waste my time drawing awesome stuff only to have them not show up. Also I started not to feel comfortable always having random people come into my apartment knowing I was a single female who lived alone. Furthermore, got tired of the clients who didn't want to pay me enough for my time and effort. When you don't have a job and try to depend on a side hustle as your main income..without enough clientèle...it spells disaster and not enough motivation to keep me going.

So the unspeakable has happened, I now live with my parents back in Jacksonville and haven't had one interview yet. I have now been here for a month and eight days. Granted, it took 11 months of constantly applying for jobs in Tallahassee before jobs started calling me in for interviews instead of just passing me the automated rejection e-mails to tell me they chose another "more" qualified candidate for the position. I have received 3 rejection e-mails from Jax employers so far and one you're "eligible" for the position notification. Give me a damn job already!! I am putting on a strong-front, but really I feel like I'm worthless and already getting age discriminated against b/c I'm 30 applying for fastfood and retail jobs that I lack experience in when I have always found good office jobs.

You would think with all this free time I would be able to workout and finally drop all this weight I had gained over the years. Nope. Not happening. Too much stress over instability. I did manage to drop 40plus pounds before getting dumped! Sadly, most of that has probably come back now being back in the unhealthy family environment. My mom has tried not to be the negative oppressor she was when I was a teenager but everyday while being here, it is slowly starting to creep back in b/c I am not acting as appreciative as I should be. I'm sorry, but I haven't lived with you for over 11years and if I really missed you and loved being home so much don't you think I would have moved back sooner?  I'm just saying. Can't we realize I'm going through a mental breakdown b/c everything has fallen apart for me? Ugh, new subject!

Ok...apparently I came to vent and be random and not quite focused in this blog entry. Well the blog title is DK's randomness at its best, lol, so the entry is rather fitting. It's 3:23 am. I should try and get some kind of sleep. One of my besties is in town and I finally get to meet her daughter. :o)

27 and SINGLE!

So I haven't updated this in over a month. Well I am still single and happily so. I have decided to stay in this apartment for another year until things workout the way I want it to. We still haven't had a screaming match or anything immature about the relationship ending, but my guilt or nerves finally caught up with me and I have been prescribed prozac.

Being on prozac is like being a zombie. All day after the buzz of the drug has worn down, you are knocked out cold! Now I see why the doctor said I wouldn't be gaining any weight taking it b/c you're too busy sleeping to even bother to eat!

My summer trip as been postponed until further notice b/c Leah got pregnant last month. Honestly, I was upset about not being able to go to Destin but now I am over it. The only real reason I cared so much was b/c I thought me and Justin would do something together. On a very moody day he pissed me off and I haven't looked at him the same since. Well that's a lie, I go back and forth on wanting him and then not wanting him. I guess I am flakey like that. I just think we have such a good friend vibe going that I don't know if being lovers would really be in the cards for us. Who knows.

In other news me and Rusty have gotten more close. I have fun little convos with him every other day. :o)

That's about it on the happenings since the break up. Well I am just not in the mood to give that detailed of a blog.

I finally did it!

So I finally dumped him. I let him go on the 12th of March. 8.5 years of bullshit and it's over! It will feel really over when he goes back to New York in fall(July or August). My only focus is now finding a part time job and a car so this trip can happen this summer. I'm ready for some fun that I cut myself out on!

I think about it more and more each day and I ask myself why were you such the fool to let someone rule you for so long? Well he didn't rule me but I felt super guilty for having him move away from NY to come live with me when after two months I was ready to send him packing. It went on so long b/c I just found hobbies so I didn't have to deal with him. That is horrible isn't it? That's how it went though. I won't be tied down to anyone else for a long time. I feel terrible for the next sorry sap that falls for me b/c the bitch that is Karen is back and won't be going anywhere anytime soon! It gets old always having to bite your tongue.

On the up side we haven't had a screaming match about the relationship being over. He knew it was coming and he tried to manipulate me with the recent "you know I love you's," hearing them made me want to puke. I knew they were coming just b/c he knew his sorry ass had overstayed his purpose.

The real reason this breakup finally stuck and I was ready to let him go was the approach of my 27th birthday. I will be 30 soon and what do I have to say for myself in my life and in my relationship with him? Not a damn thing. We don't do anything together b/c I know he will sit there and bitch and want to leave wherever I'm at b/c he wants to rush home to his beloved computer. I think this whole time he has been in love with his computer more than me. No matter how many times he had me crying about how he ignored me until he was horny was not enough for him to show any kind of affection.
I'm a very sexual person and being with him has made me doubt everything that is in my inner core. I just want to break out and screw everything to catch up with all my female friends who were looking at me crazy for being loyal. Not to say cheating is good but you know what I mean. If it's obvious in the relationship that you two aren't serious then why not tip out and screw more guys? It helps you not to get as attached to one. I'm sure my fast keying is making the sleeping bastard wonder who I'm talking to online. I kinda want to leave this blog up and let him read it but then that will start drama. I'm really waiting for the shit to hit the fan. I'm surprised he isn't trying to bother to fight for this anymore. My real guess is he has found some gaming chick he has been flirting with anyway. I mean he met me online so I'm sure the next chick he will mooch off will be an online bitch. Oh and I will never suggest meeting a guy online to any female. I just don't trust men anymore. I rather be alone for the rest of my life then be bothered with a relationship like this. I wouldn't even wish this type of bullshit on my worst enemy. It takes so much out of you to know that the one you live with(and care about to some degree) doesn't sincerely love you and is using you for what you can offer when they are suppose to be man enough be able to offer it all themselves.

I hated how he wasn't man enough to handle me and I was playing both roles in the relationship. What kind of crap is that? The sadder thing is I knew it the whole time but I gave the benefit of the doubt and said maybe you are being wrong and judgmental of his character too harshly. I know how I can be and I'm not very pleasant at times. I'm so glad he never asked me to marry him b/c my dumbass probably would have said yes again out of guilt or maybe I would have grew a set of balls at that time and been like no. Who knows. Just glad that stress is over and maybe my body will finally act right since living with him started the weight gain. My body had been telling me for years to leave him and I ignored it. I will never do that again. Can't wait to see the doc on Tuesday and talk about cutting these tits off too. I want everything that reminds me of him gone from my body and this sad relationship.

Oh and for those who really think I will take him back obviously don't realize how far over the edge I am now that I could give two shits about being tied down to him anymore. The only thing I care to hear from him is the truth. I want to hear the flat out truth that the entire time he was just using me. That's all. Will I even hear it though? Doubt it. Haha unless after he's gone he will start calling and being a bitch ass and let me know how bad I supposedly hurt him. Fuck that. Good day.

Feeling the need to burst out

So lately I have had an extra urge to just leave and start over. Maybe it is b/c of the old friends new presence in my life or maybe now I have more than enough reason to just leave. The boyfriend doesn't work, he's not even looking for work and it's been over 7months, we actually pay rent now, I'm ready to leave his bad habits behind. I am tired of feeling like I'm in a unhealthy teenage relationship with my mother. Why did I feel the need to not speak up to him like he's my fucking elder? So many times I spoke back to my mom and got hit and each time I got hit brought down my true nature to be blunt and straight to the point. Screw this weakling act. Me and him need to be over.

The last couple of weeks I realized how little I do sexually for him compared to before. It's not just b/c we are in a rut, I just don't feel enough for him anymore to put forth the effort to caress there or kiss there. Also I'm beyond tired of someone who says they love me but doesn't like how I express my love. Screw that. Screw it all! Now I need to figure out how to act out this rage I have inside. I will be mature, but I'm over it.

On another note. Tuesday night I apparently had a date with a guy. I was all for the being friends hanging out but b/c my g/f bailed on me at the last second it was really a date. I felt so out of place b/c I'm not use to going out on dates with guys or even being able to flirt openly with males. As he touched jokingly I gave no response at all. I had a tiny crush on him last year but he was married and has a child, which I'm not a homewrecker and nor do I care to play step mommy. That crush quickly ended and just resulted in friendship. He has now since then gotten a divorce and on the prawl. Now apparently feelings must have been mutual at the time of our first couple of encounters. I had no idea but now thinking back to it I saw all the signs but ignored them. I can be so oblivious at times. He did want to make out but I said no even though parts of me was curious.

These two new males in my life are more of my astrological matches and makes sense as to why I feel attracted and comfortable with them. The old friend is a perfect match b/c he's a Sagittarius and the other is a Leo. Leo needs more attention and admiration where as me and the Sag don't need as much of that. We would motivate each other and have tons of fun on other levels. I dunno, the idea sounds good but I still want to live off by myself for awhile before jumping into something else full term. I need a break!

Still motivated

So I'm still at the 10lb weightloss mark but that's ok. I have to go buy a new scale today b/c my electronic one is now acting very lame and doesn't want to work anymore. Regardless if I put a new battery in. I also need new headphones for my mp3 player since I apparently smashed mine in the car door when I was on the phone with "him". Ha! The messed up thing was when I got to work and went to use them I was so mad b/c I figured my dog had done it b/c I had pulled them away from him before. But when I went back to the car and saw the pieces on the driver side I realized I had done it. Oops!

Apparently getting my diet in order has started to try and regulate my period. That's pretty cool though but now I know I will need to get on birthcontrol ASAP, again. In typing that out, I went ahead and called my gyno. I haven't had an annual in almost 3 years and thats not cool. Hopefully all will be well. LoL It isn't like my sexual partner has changed! I'm still loyal Karen.

Alright my ADD has gotten the best of me and I cannot concentrate enough to type out a meanful blog today. So...with that I'm gonna go until next time.

Booked and Waiting

So I booked our trip at this nice hotel in Destin. I'm still super excited about going! I lost and maintained a 10lb weightloss. I need get back on the workout and calorie restriction again. These past couple of days I have been hanging out with a girlfriend I haven't seen in months and have been drinking my ass off. Which now it's good to know that my alcohol tolerance level is still way up there from the one year of being a certified alcoholic. Me and the childhood friend are still going strong on the texting and phonecalls. It's just honest and a sincere friendship redeveloping. I'm happy.

Me and my girlfriend had a serious talk the other day that even though I didn't show it to her I was crying. I had hit on something that I never thought to say out loud. Actually I said a couple things out loud that I have never told a soul. It was liberating. I felt better after it was out there in the open. I'm a bit tired and a bit hungover so I will have to come back later.