I finally did it!

So I finally dumped him. I let him go on the 12th of March. 8.5 years of bullshit and it's over! It will feel really over when he goes back to New York in fall(July or August). My only focus is now finding a part time job and a car so this trip can happen this summer. I'm ready for some fun that I cut myself out on!

I think about it more and more each day and I ask myself why were you such the fool to let someone rule you for so long? Well he didn't rule me but I felt super guilty for having him move away from NY to come live with me when after two months I was ready to send him packing. It went on so long b/c I just found hobbies so I didn't have to deal with him. That is horrible isn't it? That's how it went though. I won't be tied down to anyone else for a long time. I feel terrible for the next sorry sap that falls for me b/c the bitch that is Karen is back and won't be going anywhere anytime soon! It gets old always having to bite your tongue.

On the up side we haven't had a screaming match about the relationship being over. He knew it was coming and he tried to manipulate me with the recent "you know I love you's," hearing them made me want to puke. I knew they were coming just b/c he knew his sorry ass had overstayed his purpose.

The real reason this breakup finally stuck and I was ready to let him go was the approach of my 27th birthday. I will be 30 soon and what do I have to say for myself in my life and in my relationship with him? Not a damn thing. We don't do anything together b/c I know he will sit there and bitch and want to leave wherever I'm at b/c he wants to rush home to his beloved computer. I think this whole time he has been in love with his computer more than me. No matter how many times he had me crying about how he ignored me until he was horny was not enough for him to show any kind of affection.
I'm a very sexual person and being with him has made me doubt everything that is in my inner core. I just want to break out and screw everything to catch up with all my female friends who were looking at me crazy for being loyal. Not to say cheating is good but you know what I mean. If it's obvious in the relationship that you two aren't serious then why not tip out and screw more guys? It helps you not to get as attached to one. I'm sure my fast keying is making the sleeping bastard wonder who I'm talking to online. I kinda want to leave this blog up and let him read it but then that will start drama. I'm really waiting for the shit to hit the fan. I'm surprised he isn't trying to bother to fight for this anymore. My real guess is he has found some gaming chick he has been flirting with anyway. I mean he met me online so I'm sure the next chick he will mooch off will be an online bitch. Oh and I will never suggest meeting a guy online to any female. I just don't trust men anymore. I rather be alone for the rest of my life then be bothered with a relationship like this. I wouldn't even wish this type of bullshit on my worst enemy. It takes so much out of you to know that the one you live with(and care about to some degree) doesn't sincerely love you and is using you for what you can offer when they are suppose to be man enough be able to offer it all themselves.

I hated how he wasn't man enough to handle me and I was playing both roles in the relationship. What kind of crap is that? The sadder thing is I knew it the whole time but I gave the benefit of the doubt and said maybe you are being wrong and judgmental of his character too harshly. I know how I can be and I'm not very pleasant at times. I'm so glad he never asked me to marry him b/c my dumbass probably would have said yes again out of guilt or maybe I would have grew a set of balls at that time and been like no. Who knows. Just glad that stress is over and maybe my body will finally act right since living with him started the weight gain. My body had been telling me for years to leave him and I ignored it. I will never do that again. Can't wait to see the doc on Tuesday and talk about cutting these tits off too. I want everything that reminds me of him gone from my body and this sad relationship.

Oh and for those who really think I will take him back obviously don't realize how far over the edge I am now that I could give two shits about being tied down to him anymore. The only thing I care to hear from him is the truth. I want to hear the flat out truth that the entire time he was just using me. That's all. Will I even hear it though? Doubt it. Haha unless after he's gone he will start calling and being a bitch ass and let me know how bad I supposedly hurt him. Fuck that. Good day.

Feeling the need to burst out

So lately I have had an extra urge to just leave and start over. Maybe it is b/c of the old friends new presence in my life or maybe now I have more than enough reason to just leave. The boyfriend doesn't work, he's not even looking for work and it's been over 7months, we actually pay rent now, I'm ready to leave his bad habits behind. I am tired of feeling like I'm in a unhealthy teenage relationship with my mother. Why did I feel the need to not speak up to him like he's my fucking elder? So many times I spoke back to my mom and got hit and each time I got hit brought down my true nature to be blunt and straight to the point. Screw this weakling act. Me and him need to be over.

The last couple of weeks I realized how little I do sexually for him compared to before. It's not just b/c we are in a rut, I just don't feel enough for him anymore to put forth the effort to caress there or kiss there. Also I'm beyond tired of someone who says they love me but doesn't like how I express my love. Screw that. Screw it all! Now I need to figure out how to act out this rage I have inside. I will be mature, but I'm over it.

On another note. Tuesday night I apparently had a date with a guy. I was all for the being friends hanging out but b/c my g/f bailed on me at the last second it was really a date. I felt so out of place b/c I'm not use to going out on dates with guys or even being able to flirt openly with males. As he touched jokingly I gave no response at all. I had a tiny crush on him last year but he was married and has a child, which I'm not a homewrecker and nor do I care to play step mommy. That crush quickly ended and just resulted in friendship. He has now since then gotten a divorce and on the prawl. Now apparently feelings must have been mutual at the time of our first couple of encounters. I had no idea but now thinking back to it I saw all the signs but ignored them. I can be so oblivious at times. He did want to make out but I said no even though parts of me was curious.

These two new males in my life are more of my astrological matches and makes sense as to why I feel attracted and comfortable with them. The old friend is a perfect match b/c he's a Sagittarius and the other is a Leo. Leo needs more attention and admiration where as me and the Sag don't need as much of that. We would motivate each other and have tons of fun on other levels. I dunno, the idea sounds good but I still want to live off by myself for awhile before jumping into something else full term. I need a break!