Insomnia

It's 4:08 a.m. and I'm awake watching Doctor 90210 on my Netflix. I'm bored. My head is full of so many thoughts that won't let me fall asleep. I got word yesterday thru e-mail that I didn't get the temp position I tested for earlier this week. I am honestly not upset about it. I didn't want a temp customer service job anyway. I am still very hopeful of getting the paralegal job in Tallahassee. I have my fingers crossed for it.

I was in Tally the majority of the week and I wish I could have done more and visited more friends, but it is hard to do all of that when everyone is working/school. I was in Tallahassee longer than just an overnight stay b/c I had two job interviews. One was a Paralegal position with Dept of Legal Affairs and a Call Center job with Florida Dept of Law Enforcement. I have no shot at the FDLE position b/c the job is contingent of me having good credit and that I do not have, since I have been out of work for over a year now. Being that one interview was on Tuesday and the other was on Thursday I ended up bringing my dog with me, since he never does well when I leave for the weekend. He enjoyed himself with his cousin Roxy (Ashley and Pam's dog.)

The ex wanted to go out to dinner with me at Crystal River (really he just wanted to go have a sit down dinner anywhere with me) then changed his mind and asked that me and Pugsley come over so that he could spend time with him.  Pugsley seemed to really enjoy his visit with his dad. It made me miss "us." I hate going to sleep alone every night and not having the security of a stable relationship. That is something I won't admit out loud to most friends b/c I seemed so unhappy in my relationship. I only seemed so unhappy b/c I vented a lot and we all know how that goes with most female friends who are single or running thru men like toilet paper.

I am sitting here now thinking about working out in the morning, or at some point during today. Also thinking about life and hoping a job will come soon. I am so over being jobless. Well... I am finally getting tired and going to try sleeping again.

Wow, just wow...lol

So...apparently it has been three years since I last posted in this blog. A lot has happened in 3 yrs. I just recently celebrated my 30th birthday. How do I feel about it, you ask? I really want to just find a corner and ball my eyes out b/c I feel like a complete failure at life. I lost my job last year two days before my birthday, so I celebrate another day of birth being jobless. Awesome!! Not.

Me and my "ex" ended up kinda getting back together during his two years of unemployment. Only to have him dump me after being at his new job two months, b/c he had apparently found my replacement who was helping him to become a "real man". That new relationship didn't last long. By being dumped in that way... did I finally realize I did, and still do, actually truly love the guy. Were we good for each other? Not all the time. I can honestly say I got really bitter and angry with him b/c I was under so much stress and instead of finding a stable positive outlet to keep me balanced, I was instead hyper-focused on him and the stuff I disliked. Shit happens. It's life.

I have been job hunting like crazy and I may get some random interviews but no true job offers. I lost my apartment I lived in alone. Oh yeah, when he broke my heart I moved out. LoL, I didn't move far though. I could literally walk to his apartment in under 2 mins. Sad. Yes, I already know, you don't have to tell me.
So anyways...back to this fruitless job hunting. I can't even explain all the pains of stress that has been eating away at me this past year. Losing my job put me back on the edge of depression and insanity! It felt like things would workout after having won my appeal when I was denied unemployment at first. I thought "Thank God, at least there will be some form of income coming in until I find a job. It shouldn't take too long to find a decent job." I was harshly smacked with the reality of the declining economy and the already less than lucrative job market in Tallahassee.

Then slowly...one by one the luxuries that are necessities in todays society slowly started getting turned off/disconnected, b/c unemployment barely paid to keep a roof over my head and power on. Some nights I really did contemplate going out on the corner like the student prostitutes who frequented around my apartment complex. I tried really hard getting the tattoo stuff off the ground, but I got tired of potential clients having me waste my time drawing awesome stuff only to have them not show up. Also I started not to feel comfortable always having random people come into my apartment knowing I was a single female who lived alone. Furthermore, got tired of the clients who didn't want to pay me enough for my time and effort. When you don't have a job and try to depend on a side hustle as your main income..without enough clientèle...it spells disaster and not enough motivation to keep me going.

So the unspeakable has happened, I now live with my parents back in Jacksonville and haven't had one interview yet. I have now been here for a month and eight days. Granted, it took 11 months of constantly applying for jobs in Tallahassee before jobs started calling me in for interviews instead of just passing me the automated rejection e-mails to tell me they chose another "more" qualified candidate for the position. I have received 3 rejection e-mails from Jax employers so far and one you're "eligible" for the position notification. Give me a damn job already!! I am putting on a strong-front, but really I feel like I'm worthless and already getting age discriminated against b/c I'm 30 applying for fastfood and retail jobs that I lack experience in when I have always found good office jobs.

You would think with all this free time I would be able to workout and finally drop all this weight I had gained over the years. Nope. Not happening. Too much stress over instability. I did manage to drop 40plus pounds before getting dumped! Sadly, most of that has probably come back now being back in the unhealthy family environment. My mom has tried not to be the negative oppressor she was when I was a teenager but everyday while being here, it is slowly starting to creep back in b/c I am not acting as appreciative as I should be. I'm sorry, but I haven't lived with you for over 11years and if I really missed you and loved being home so much don't you think I would have moved back sooner?  I'm just saying. Can't we realize I'm going through a mental breakdown b/c everything has fallen apart for me? Ugh, new subject!

Ok...apparently I came to vent and be random and not quite focused in this blog entry. Well the blog title is DK's randomness at its best, lol, so the entry is rather fitting. It's 3:23 am. I should try and get some kind of sleep. One of my besties is in town and I finally get to meet her daughter. :o)