I would kindly like to say, fuck you sir!

So tomorrow morning me and Med go looking at this tiny one bedroom apartment. Which entails me getting rid of 6 of my 8 cats. It makes me want to vomit profusely just thinking about it.

My grandmother had said she would allow us to stay with her until we could save up money, but has since called me earlier this morning and told me that I would not be able to stay with her. What was said to me was b/c my mother said since I didn't do a good job living here (in my house) I shouldn't be welcomed in her house and that I want to avoid the real world and not pay rent. Assumptions are like assholes, everyone has one. Everyone assumed I would just stay and mooch off granny with no real intentions of moving out. Sorry to burst your bubble but I don't even like her house and I've always hated staying there. She doesn't have A/C and has a roach problem. Oh yeah, I would really just sit there for months and months in that kind of filth. Fuck you.

Hmmz...if I wanted to avoid the real world and not pay rent or "supposedly" be responsible at all I would have nothing left b/c of my own doing not b/c I was trying to help them out. It's a long sticky story but in the end I know I'm not to blame for all of this. I'm just the scapegoat like I have always been in the family. *sighs*

Life right now has just taken a very nasty turn and my family has proven to me I should have never opened up to them at all. My grandmother says she will still try and get all of my aunts and uncles to sign over the land to me, but in the morning I will call her and tell her don't even bother. Just forget I even existed. I want all of them to forget I existed. Just lose my number, burn my birth certificate, there is no Karen! Fuck you!

I have tried very hard to harbor all this pain and emotion inside. I didn't even start crying about any of this drama until a couple days ago when every avenue I tried smacked me down. Every time I hear one more thing being said about me or another rejection on top of knowing I need to be gone out of this house soon, makes me want to snap! I'm not usually a violent person but I feel like it will only take another trigger to push me all the way over the edge.

Life is rough....

So I quit taking the metformin.

So I'm losing my home in less than 11days. I've been trying like all hell to get a mobile home with my grandmother as the sole person on the loan. She's not budging b/c my mom has entered negative thinking in her head about me. My mom still assumes I'm very naive about life and what it costs.

I had worked a ten hour shift lastnight and was almost over getting greatly depressed about the pending situation only to get a call from my mother this morning to kill every little spirit I had. I have been determined to try and get a place where I can bring my pets with me and everybody and anybody says I need to get rid of them. It's like ok, if a person told you they'd accept you in the move but your kids had to go, you would travel down every avenue you can just to be able to bring those kids, right? If the person isn't a dead beat who'd be glad to leave the kids behind you'd keep trying and trying. Which I have done and others have failed to see.

I've been unable to sleep for 48hrs and I'm making myself sick when right now I need to be really strong! I have a friend of mine who I love to death but I feel like she is somewhat turning her back on me now. She has been making slick comments here and there and I have been letting most of them roll off my back but now that EVERYTHING seems to be going in the shitter it makes me think of her words even more.

I hate how family says I need to reach out and talk to them more and get help with my problems when they are being more selfish than they claim me to be about lending a real helping hand. My mom says that Med can move over to Jax with them and look for a job but they fail to realize I would have no vehicle and they lack proper parking space for four vehicles that would be at their residence. It's a nice offer but it solves nothing and still leaves me without saving any real money to do what needs to be done.

I feel like I'm below the bottom of the barrel and just keep getting kicked further. No one in my family really knows me well enough to know my true spending habits they can only assume bullshit from when I was younger. But isn't it proof enough that I can handle the world if I haven't come back home to be a deadbeat in over 7yrs? Doesn't that stand for something? I guess not. I dunno if it is my pride that keeps me from just throwing everything away so people can finally feel like "wow, she's lost enough maybe I should consider helping her now" or what. I'm just plum tired!

Oh and this economy and Tallahassee sucks big ass balls! I feel like I will never ever be in a position where I can call the shots b/c everything I try to do to take the right steps toward that direction gets stomped on and then I keep trying only to get pushed further back.

I feel like school is a joke. It gives you false security in believing your talents will set u apart and you'll be wealthy. In most cases it is not true. If it were more true there would be more wealthy people in America and not just 5%. Think about that.