27 and SINGLE!

So I haven't updated this in over a month. Well I am still single and happily so. I have decided to stay in this apartment for another year until things workout the way I want it to. We still haven't had a screaming match or anything immature about the relationship ending, but my guilt or nerves finally caught up with me and I have been prescribed prozac.

Being on prozac is like being a zombie. All day after the buzz of the drug has worn down, you are knocked out cold! Now I see why the doctor said I wouldn't be gaining any weight taking it b/c you're too busy sleeping to even bother to eat!

My summer trip as been postponed until further notice b/c Leah got pregnant last month. Honestly, I was upset about not being able to go to Destin but now I am over it. The only real reason I cared so much was b/c I thought me and Justin would do something together. On a very moody day he pissed me off and I haven't looked at him the same since. Well that's a lie, I go back and forth on wanting him and then not wanting him. I guess I am flakey like that. I just think we have such a good friend vibe going that I don't know if being lovers would really be in the cards for us. Who knows.

In other news me and Rusty have gotten more close. I have fun little convos with him every other day. :o)

That's about it on the happenings since the break up. Well I am just not in the mood to give that detailed of a blog.

I finally did it!

So I finally dumped him. I let him go on the 12th of March. 8.5 years of bullshit and it's over! It will feel really over when he goes back to New York in fall(July or August). My only focus is now finding a part time job and a car so this trip can happen this summer. I'm ready for some fun that I cut myself out on!

I think about it more and more each day and I ask myself why were you such the fool to let someone rule you for so long? Well he didn't rule me but I felt super guilty for having him move away from NY to come live with me when after two months I was ready to send him packing. It went on so long b/c I just found hobbies so I didn't have to deal with him. That is horrible isn't it? That's how it went though. I won't be tied down to anyone else for a long time. I feel terrible for the next sorry sap that falls for me b/c the bitch that is Karen is back and won't be going anywhere anytime soon! It gets old always having to bite your tongue.

On the up side we haven't had a screaming match about the relationship being over. He knew it was coming and he tried to manipulate me with the recent "you know I love you's," hearing them made me want to puke. I knew they were coming just b/c he knew his sorry ass had overstayed his purpose.

The real reason this breakup finally stuck and I was ready to let him go was the approach of my 27th birthday. I will be 30 soon and what do I have to say for myself in my life and in my relationship with him? Not a damn thing. We don't do anything together b/c I know he will sit there and bitch and want to leave wherever I'm at b/c he wants to rush home to his beloved computer. I think this whole time he has been in love with his computer more than me. No matter how many times he had me crying about how he ignored me until he was horny was not enough for him to show any kind of affection.
I'm a very sexual person and being with him has made me doubt everything that is in my inner core. I just want to break out and screw everything to catch up with all my female friends who were looking at me crazy for being loyal. Not to say cheating is good but you know what I mean. If it's obvious in the relationship that you two aren't serious then why not tip out and screw more guys? It helps you not to get as attached to one. I'm sure my fast keying is making the sleeping bastard wonder who I'm talking to online. I kinda want to leave this blog up and let him read it but then that will start drama. I'm really waiting for the shit to hit the fan. I'm surprised he isn't trying to bother to fight for this anymore. My real guess is he has found some gaming chick he has been flirting with anyway. I mean he met me online so I'm sure the next chick he will mooch off will be an online bitch. Oh and I will never suggest meeting a guy online to any female. I just don't trust men anymore. I rather be alone for the rest of my life then be bothered with a relationship like this. I wouldn't even wish this type of bullshit on my worst enemy. It takes so much out of you to know that the one you live with(and care about to some degree) doesn't sincerely love you and is using you for what you can offer when they are suppose to be man enough be able to offer it all themselves.

I hated how he wasn't man enough to handle me and I was playing both roles in the relationship. What kind of crap is that? The sadder thing is I knew it the whole time but I gave the benefit of the doubt and said maybe you are being wrong and judgmental of his character too harshly. I know how I can be and I'm not very pleasant at times. I'm so glad he never asked me to marry him b/c my dumbass probably would have said yes again out of guilt or maybe I would have grew a set of balls at that time and been like no. Who knows. Just glad that stress is over and maybe my body will finally act right since living with him started the weight gain. My body had been telling me for years to leave him and I ignored it. I will never do that again. Can't wait to see the doc on Tuesday and talk about cutting these tits off too. I want everything that reminds me of him gone from my body and this sad relationship.

Oh and for those who really think I will take him back obviously don't realize how far over the edge I am now that I could give two shits about being tied down to him anymore. The only thing I care to hear from him is the truth. I want to hear the flat out truth that the entire time he was just using me. That's all. Will I even hear it though? Doubt it. Haha unless after he's gone he will start calling and being a bitch ass and let me know how bad I supposedly hurt him. Fuck that. Good day.

Feeling the need to burst out

So lately I have had an extra urge to just leave and start over. Maybe it is b/c of the old friends new presence in my life or maybe now I have more than enough reason to just leave. The boyfriend doesn't work, he's not even looking for work and it's been over 7months, we actually pay rent now, I'm ready to leave his bad habits behind. I am tired of feeling like I'm in a unhealthy teenage relationship with my mother. Why did I feel the need to not speak up to him like he's my fucking elder? So many times I spoke back to my mom and got hit and each time I got hit brought down my true nature to be blunt and straight to the point. Screw this weakling act. Me and him need to be over.

The last couple of weeks I realized how little I do sexually for him compared to before. It's not just b/c we are in a rut, I just don't feel enough for him anymore to put forth the effort to caress there or kiss there. Also I'm beyond tired of someone who says they love me but doesn't like how I express my love. Screw that. Screw it all! Now I need to figure out how to act out this rage I have inside. I will be mature, but I'm over it.

On another note. Tuesday night I apparently had a date with a guy. I was all for the being friends hanging out but b/c my g/f bailed on me at the last second it was really a date. I felt so out of place b/c I'm not use to going out on dates with guys or even being able to flirt openly with males. As he touched jokingly I gave no response at all. I had a tiny crush on him last year but he was married and has a child, which I'm not a homewrecker and nor do I care to play step mommy. That crush quickly ended and just resulted in friendship. He has now since then gotten a divorce and on the prawl. Now apparently feelings must have been mutual at the time of our first couple of encounters. I had no idea but now thinking back to it I saw all the signs but ignored them. I can be so oblivious at times. He did want to make out but I said no even though parts of me was curious.

These two new males in my life are more of my astrological matches and makes sense as to why I feel attracted and comfortable with them. The old friend is a perfect match b/c he's a Sagittarius and the other is a Leo. Leo needs more attention and admiration where as me and the Sag don't need as much of that. We would motivate each other and have tons of fun on other levels. I dunno, the idea sounds good but I still want to live off by myself for awhile before jumping into something else full term. I need a break!

Still motivated

So I'm still at the 10lb weightloss mark but that's ok. I have to go buy a new scale today b/c my electronic one is now acting very lame and doesn't want to work anymore. Regardless if I put a new battery in. I also need new headphones for my mp3 player since I apparently smashed mine in the car door when I was on the phone with "him". Ha! The messed up thing was when I got to work and went to use them I was so mad b/c I figured my dog had done it b/c I had pulled them away from him before. But when I went back to the car and saw the pieces on the driver side I realized I had done it. Oops!

Apparently getting my diet in order has started to try and regulate my period. That's pretty cool though but now I know I will need to get on birthcontrol ASAP, again. In typing that out, I went ahead and called my gyno. I haven't had an annual in almost 3 years and thats not cool. Hopefully all will be well. LoL It isn't like my sexual partner has changed! I'm still loyal Karen.

Alright my ADD has gotten the best of me and I cannot concentrate enough to type out a meanful blog today. So...with that I'm gonna go until next time.

Booked and Waiting

So I booked our trip at this nice hotel in Destin. I'm still super excited about going! I lost and maintained a 10lb weightloss. I need get back on the workout and calorie restriction again. These past couple of days I have been hanging out with a girlfriend I haven't seen in months and have been drinking my ass off. Which now it's good to know that my alcohol tolerance level is still way up there from the one year of being a certified alcoholic. Me and the childhood friend are still going strong on the texting and phonecalls. It's just honest and a sincere friendship redeveloping. I'm happy.

Me and my girlfriend had a serious talk the other day that even though I didn't show it to her I was crying. I had hit on something that I never thought to say out loud. Actually I said a couple things out loud that I have never told a soul. It was liberating. I felt better after it was out there in the open. I'm a bit tired and a bit hungover so I will have to come back later.

What in the world....?

Lastnights episode of Nip/Tuck was crazy! I mean I saw the setup of Christian and Liz getting together as soon as she thought she had breast cancer.

The lady using an electric knife to saw off her breast was insane! I almost wanted to vomit and my boobs hurt just watching the scene.

I wasn't surprised that Olivia died during cosmetic surgery b/c she had a premonition the day before. I was however horrified that Eden had thrown her moms ashes on Sean and Julia. What a waste!

I'm mad with comcast on demand b/c I have yet to see the third episode of the season. Maybe it's on there today so I can finally watch it.

I'm still super excited about our summer vacation and so far I've lost 7lbs in 4 days. I just hope I can keep myself motivated enough to drop down to as close to 140lbs as possible. I would say 120 and below, b/c my all time goal has always been 108lbs, but that would be way too much weight lost in 4months and 3 weeks. Basically all I've been eating everyday is a salad and fresh steamed veggies. Tons of fluids, cleaning out my overly toxic system. I'll bring meat, in small amounts, after my two week cleanse. Wish me luck!

I think my motivation will be how I can keep imagining how cute I'll be again. Wearing the fashion I love to wear and that looks good on me. I just hope I won't get stalked while on my week vacation. Yesterday when I went to take Pugsley for his morning walk some crazy person was following me in their car. He didn't actually stop and try to talk but he kept driving by really slow then drive off only to come back around from another direction and do the same thing. He did all of that at least 3 times! Once Pugsley finally took his dump I ran back to my apartment. I really hate that we live right in the heart of where the college students live. Probably some loon thinking he'd found himself a young college girl. Bleh.

Open Relationships: What's the hype?

So this blog will just be a jumble of questions and thoughts on the subject matter of open relationships.

Why is it that most couples who want to do an open relationship are high school sweethearts? In my mind I think most of those couples do the whole open relationship thing b/c they are too use to each other being in their everyday life. Also b/c they realized they have cut their partying days short by sticking to the first good relationship they thought they had. They can't imagine splitting and being happy with someone else. I also think the whole open thing sounds appealing in that situation b/c it's a way to date or fool around with someone else without having to deal with breaking up with the current/original lover and then realize that may not have been the best idea and have to come crawling back.

I suppose my whole idea on the subject is centered on the fact that people are creatures of habit and don't like being alone. They need some kind of security.

Some older couples say they do the whole open thing to spice up their life. I'm sure it does, but it still ties into my thinking of "why bother breaking up when we can just openly date others while still sleeping with each other every night?" Or... one partner thinks they can finally act out their desires without feeling bad about hurting the other one. Possibly sex is just so vanilla between the two and they just want a certain sexual need to be met without losing the qualities they like in their lover otherwise.

Possibly open relationships are formulated b/c we have two bisexual partners paired or one bisexual and one heterosexual. I mean you can think of many more factors with the make up of the relationship but you get where I'm going, right? I suppose in this situation it would appear to be good for one partner to be able to showcase their desires without feeling guilty. Or just to find sexual acceptance in how they are.

Okay. We have heard relationships becoming open just b/c the man wanted a fantasy to be filled for one night and the wife/girlfriend goes along with it to keep the man intact.

Warning signs would ring in my head if my boyfriend wanted to add another female to the equation. Not b/c I'm jealous hearted but b/c it says I'm not doing something right or maybe it's time we stop using each other as crutches and just move on. I wouldn't want to openly be in a bedroom with him and some other female. A lot goes thru my mind when I see or hear that type of stuff. Like is he asking b/c I'm lacking, is he ready to split, does he really think he can bend me(manipulate) enough to do such a thing while having his cake and eating it too? Stuff like that. See, my mind is always going!

I just texted a couple guyfriends who opinions I value to give me a bit of input on their thinking of the subject. The question was worded as such: I need a guys input on why you would want an open relationship while having been with your current partner for a number of years or months?

One guy responded that he would do it as a safety net and fear of commitment.

LoL the other one was asking if I was talking about me or him, b/c I guess about our current situation. After explaining that I was blogging he sent his new response. It goes: "Sometimes when your with someone for a long time the line between where you end and they begin gets blurred. You kinda lose your identity. And you need to back off a little to focus yourself again and get a new perspective. Some fresh eyes."

I told the second one I was leaning toward the safety net reason and he mentioned that guys are all about their identity and females are more wired for security. I said that could be true but it depends on what kind of person your dealing with. An independent woman would do it b/c of her lost identity in the relationship and an insecure man would do it for security.

I'm just really interested to hear any and everyone, who reads this, thoughts on the subject. Narrow minded people need not bother commenting.

I would personally consider the option of an open relationship as a means for me to have more sexual experience that I cut out of my life b/c I decided to live with a boyfriend too soon. I was never truly head over heels in love with him, but I have never felt that way with anyone. I was never big on the dating scene and I go with the flow. I don't get over dramatic about stuff and I'm easily pacified with the idea of just moving onto something else to do to busy myself. I guess I'm insecurely independent.
LoL, what I mean by that is I sometimes feel like my identity has been lost as far as the shit I put up with him but I know I don't dwell on the whole "we, us, our, together" shit. I'm only insecure b/c regardless of the financial pull I have in this relationship I wouldn't be able to handle it all on my own without really being unavailable to the prospect of a new option. So I sit until I've reached that point to say enough is enough and I rather fly solo or win the lottery. Whichever comes first, lol!

Plans Changed

Well after realizing that the Key West trip would just be too much money we decided to go to Destin, FL. I'm excited about Destin b/c you can find reasonably priced beach condos and houses to rent for the week on FlipKey.com .

Every since we both agreed on Destin, FL I've been in a good mood on a daily basis. It has numerous advantages for the both of us. The beaches will look better, the drive won't be as long, I won't have to worry about a plane ticket(I'll just rent a car), she'll get the tan she wants and so many things. Plus, she has a classmate or two that lives there and I have at least three or four friends there that I can visit or they can come hang out with me. :o) One of them happens to be the one I mentioned in my previous blog. We've been texting like crazy and it's just cool. I take a while to warm up to people and once I find my spot, it's like a mini high.

Well I came to log into my blog to express my thinkings on a subject that has been on my mind for years. The new google account log on is retarded b/c I can't remember which e-mail I had my google account with, since I don't use it at all. You know the old saying "use it or lose it"? Well I lost it and I stopped writing down all my info on post-its so no telling.

The Plan for Summer

So this summer me and my friend want to go to the keys to spend a couple days. I haven't been back to the keys since 2001. I miss being there but I'm not sure I would care to live there again. Maybe have a beach house or something to go to on vacations but nothing permanent.

Oh yeah, so anyways. We want to spend a couple days in the keys but we are still trying to figure out how we are going to do this since she lives in South Dakota and I live here in North Florida. I was thinking she might fly into Jacksonville and we rent a car and drive from there to the keys, which would be an 8 hr drive. Or we both just buy direct flight plane tickets to the keys. Which the cheapest is $310 and the most is $604. For her tickets, since I just looked it up, would be between $462 and $1100. I'm debating on whether I should ask a friend to let us bunk with them or just get a hotel in another key that would be cheaper to stay in. The cheapest per night stay would be $119 a night. If we stay there 7 days it'd be 833 dollars plus you figure tax and parking decal we're looking at close to 860.

It's panning out to be a very expensive vacation. We'll see.

So the other night I was on the phone with a childhood friend, like we've known each other since 5th grade in the keys. Anyways, it's crazy how much we are a like as far as reading people, relationship status, and humor. No, I don't think that he's magically my soul mate or anything but it's just cool to see how we've grown up. I did offer to scoop him up for the key west trip since we spoke about how much we missed it.

I have yet to physically meet him since our departure from the keys. One of these days we'll make plans to meet up.

Wow

So I've been gone a couple months now. I finally settled into my apartment and it's a HUGE adjustment from a three bedroom two bath home to a one bedroom one bath apartment. Since I got my job last year I have been neglecting my Etsy shop due to not having enough time to just create without having to rush myself off to bed to get some kind of sleep so I can be up all night at the job. Here are pics of the things I have been up to in my past few months since the foreclosure/move.




I've been addicted to my knifty knitter! I've learned to crochet and working on a blanket right now. I finished a portrait for a co-worker. I'm still working on that skirt that is pinned to my dressform. I made that purple shawl for my mom for Christmas. That flower of polymer clay was suppose to go with the shawl but I didn't care for how it came out. I have a new hair do and things are looking decent.

My apartment still looks like I just moved in b/c I have been unable to just devote a week to putting/taking everything out where it needs to be. I unpacked almost everything but there are some boxes I need to take back to the storage unit plus figure out what else I can do without in the apartment to free up the little space we have.

I hope everyone had a lovely New Year and hopefully I won't neglect my blogs anymore!

Yay, for Nip Tuck tonight!

Ok, now I'm gone.